Berzerk Productions

The Real Queen of Hearts ain’t even that pretty
by Brad Bailey

Paula:      
When I was thirteen years old I was fat.  I was really fat.  And I was proper depressed, because I was fat and then all my fish died.  So I decided to kill myself.  I didn’t have any poison and I couldn’t cut my wrists because the blood makes me sick to my stomach.  So I decided to hang myself.  I got the garden hose, I mean a heavy duty garden hose and took it down to the barn and found a rafter, and I made a noose and everything.  I climbed up on a bale of hay and put my head in the noose – and I told God there was no way he could blame me for doing this.  NO WAY!  I told him it was his fault cos he made me fat.  He did it and he should be man enough to take the blame for it.  And then I got scared and I told him I was just kidding.  And then I jumped...and the fucking rafter broke!  I was so fat the rafter just broke to pieces and I fell slap on the floor with the noose still round my neck.  And that’s when my mother walks in and finds me lying there with hay up my nose.  She nearly had a heart attack.  Screaming, crying and hitting me with the weed whacker.  She told me suicide was against the law and if I did kill myself she’d have me put away for life, it was pretty grim – I mean that was a big rafter.