LOVERS AND OTHER STRANGERS
By Renee Taylor and Joseph Bologna
MIKE
Please don’t make me marry you! I know this wedding is costing your parents a lot of money, but I’ll pay back every penny of it...Look, I’ve got about twenty quid on me. Here, take it as a deposit...and take my watch...and I want you to keep the ring. I know when a fella breaks up with a girl, he’s supposed to get the ring back, but you can have the ring. That’s fair, isn’t it? Please stop looking at me like that. You shouldn’t take it personally. It’s nothing against you.
I know what you’re trying to do – make me look like the bad one. Well, it won’t work. You knew I was a confirmed bachelor. You knew I had trouble getting involved, but that didn’t stop you. No, not you, baby. You decided to marry me and that was it. Well, who do you think you are, playing God with another person’s life?
All right, Susan. I’ve got to put my cards on the table. I didn’t want to tell you this because I didn’t want to hurt your feelings. You’re just not dream girl. I’m sorry. I wish you were, but let’s face it, Susan. My heart doesn’t beat when you come into a room. I don’t get goose pimples when I touch you. I’m just not nervous when I’m with you. You’ve got too many problems. And, Susan, there’s something about you that really bothers me. Maybe it wouldn’t be important to another guy, but I think about it a lot. Susan, you have very thin arms.
So, I don’t think I could be faithful. I mean, I want to be faithful, but I just don’t think I can. Ever since we got engaged, I walk down the street and I want to grab every arse I see. That’s not normal. If you were my dream girl, I’d never give other women a second thought. Don’t you understand, I need somebody more perfect, then it wouldn’t be so much work for me to love and be faithful. I could just show up.
Look, you’ll get over me. After a while, you’ll find another boy. Just promise me you won’t sleep with anyone until you get married. Will you promise me that, Susan? Will you?